I mentioned this briefly before, but will repeat it for posterity: my grandfather, Caleb’s only living great grandparent on my side of the family, passed away a few weeks ago, on November 6. We had only just recently reconnected after an embarrassingly long time since my last visit with him. Regardless, I feel blessed to have suddenly felt the urge to visit him a few months ago, despite having not seen him for many years, and hope that Caleb retains the few but happy memories he was able to form in the few hours we spent at his great grandfather’s side.

I am sure Caleb will remember a few things about the two times he met his great grandfather though I hope he remembers most how attentive my grandfather seemed when Caleb, Megan and I sang a few songs to him. We, of course, sang Caleb’s favorites such as ABCs, Twinkle-Twinkle, and Baa-Baa Black Sheep, so that he could sing along as well. It is hard to say how much my grandfather enjoyed the songs as he had lacked the ability to communicate or control most of his motor functions for many years prior to our visit, and seemed almost completely unresponsive when we were there, but it was clear that he was mustering every piece of energy he had to keep his eyes on us. …and I do believe I saw a bit of a twinkle.

I’ll never forget when we suggested that we take him outside in his wheel chair so he could feel some of the late autumn sunlight on his skin, and Caleb looked up at him with all sincerity and innocence and gently asked, “Do you want to go outside Great Grandpa?” You are such a sweet and compassionate person, Caleb. I love you dearly and know that you made my grandfather’s heart melt when you asked him that question.

The second of Caleb’s visits came a few weeks ago for the funeral, which was held in Hawthorne, NY two days after my grandfather’s death. There was a short viewing and then a respectful service and ceremony. I brought Caleb up to the casket once when we first arrived at the viewing, after explaining a few times on the car ride over that we would be visiting Great Grandpa, who would be sleeping. Caleb seemed to sense the weight of the moment as soon as we made our way up to the open casket, but didn’t appear to be disturbed or otherwise negatively impacted in any way. I found that tears didn’t come to me the first time I was by my grandfather’s side, which probably helped Caleb manage the experience as well.

The second time I brought him up was as the close family was paying their last respects. I was about to go up, having just followed my father, when I turned back and saw that Megan and Caleb were back in the room (they had taken a break). I was getting pretty emotional and decided that I had to give Caleb another opportunity to be with his Great Grandfather, if only for one more second. Also, I couldn’t think of anything more comforting in that moment than having my son in my arms, holding him as close and lovingly as I could.

This time, instead of reinforcing that Great Grandpa was sleeping, I told Caleb that he should say goodbye. Caleb whispered, “Goodbye Great Grandpa,” I touched my grandfather’s cheek a few times, told him that I loved him, said goodbye, and then held Caleb as close as I could manage as I walked away with tears finally starting to take me over.

I love you and miss you very much Grandpa, and I am so happy that you had a chance to meet your Great Grandson.

Megan took this shot while we were driving to the funeral. It was a quiet, beautiful day.

Megan also took this one. It was taken after the final ceremony ended as we were waiting to go inside a restaurant to have lunch with family. Caleb was sleeping in the back and I was more or less in a hazy state trying to parse everything that I had just experienced.